Mad, sad, dysfunctional dad by Stephen Gillatt

Author:Stephen Gillatt
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: autobiography;mental health;mental illness;therapy;it’s OK not to be OK
Publisher: The Conrad Press
Published: 2019-07-15T00:00:00+00:00

Seven. Sleepless nights and mania

Thursday 1 June

9.00pm

I was buzzing at work even though I’ve slept no more than twelve hours this week - my biggest problem is currently impatience. I have a short fuse and can’t stand people wasting my time. Triggers are tiny and unpredictable.

The girls are struggling. The house is tetchy. The atmosphere sometimes crackles; sometimes pops. You can feel the electricity. Sometimes it’s negative, but most of the time it’s positive. At the moment I’m neither.

Friday 2 June

10.30pm

We’ve all done it haven’t we? Started a job - mainly because the missus has been banging on about it and you’ve been meaning to do it for ages. Then a few minutes in thought ‘Why did I bother?’ That was me today. The garden was a jungle; it took ages to clear and tidy. Then there was the shed. Four hours later I was done. It looked good, but I’d gone past caring. I was sick of the sight of it; and big watery blisters.

One thing that had come out the shed was our eldest’s bike. And she wouldn’t take her hands off it! So, the decision was made; this was her first attempt at riding a bike. A real rite of passage; I was so proud. I hope happy memories are flooding back for you. I still had a lump in my throat when we got home. My cheeks damp with tears. And they are now too.

Saturday 3 June

21.22pm

The broken and stressful nights just keep coming. Finally got down about half one this morning. At twenty to four three ladies stumbled down the stairs.

I’ve now been up for seventeen hours…

The last two weeks have been hard. But we’re coming through the other side together - and it feels good. We have our ups and downs. The occasional disagreement, but tell me a couple who doesn’t?

This afternoon we went to a family fun day at a local pub. They had a huge garden full of arts and craft stalls, raffles etc. - as well as a magician; band and barbeque. It was a lovely. And our eldest is behaving so much better when we’re out. All those times when I hated myself for being so strict are paying off a little bit.

The last hour before the girls went to bed I was short; snappy. There was no need for it. Our eldest was tired and Bubba has been teething. She’s been so uncomfortable - so much dribbling, squawking, grumbling and chewing. She’s normally such a happy little lady. I should be dishing out hugs and kisses – not attitude.

I’m not proud of myself; of course not. But I want to show it is okay not to be perfect. And that nobody has been, is, or ever will be. You’ve already seen I’m not. But you can also see I’m doing everything I can to be the best person I can. Nobody can ask any more of you than that.

Sunday 4 June

9.45pm

Out little Bubba is so grumpy. When she’s finding it hard; we’re exhausted.

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